I don’t know. That’s my answer.

For so long, I have been asking myself this question. Despite knowing that in all relationships I had, I have given what I can give. But then I question my very own intentions — did I really give because I loved? or because I want to get something out of it?

In 41 years of existence, I could say that there are only  5 instances I have encountered such ecstacy of falling inlove. The first was with the boy I met in highschool and taught me how to kiss; Second, was with the guy I met in college and taught me how to be independent and carefree; Third, was the worst. He was the one I met when I was already a professional and gave me kids — the exchange just almost killed my soul. Fourth, the one I met 4 years after ending an abusive relationship and gave a new meaning of being with a man — someone who taught me how to love and value myself and the one I regretted the most in loosing. And lastly, the man I just recently met. He was an old flame that never bloomed in the past — I thought he was the gift I have been waiting for. He came in at the right time, but I guess he wasn’t really meant to stay. What we had was like a strong gust of wind that only lasted for a moment. How I wish it didn’t stop. But how can you continue with someone who’s imprisoned in a cell which he also created?

Oh, I wish he knew this ….. He sees himself broken, yet I see perfection. He sees himself as monster, yet I see someone who was betrayed and badly wounded. I wish I had the chance to make him see the beauty I see in him. I wish I had more time with him and made him feel that despite all the odds and storms, there is a rainbow that will follow.

I wish when he wasn’t holding back his feelings, I did the same. I wish I had been more patient with him. I wish I didn’t have to protect myself from hurt and betrayal. I wish I didn’t fear the pain that awaits me.

When you let go of someone, is there love in it? Was that really an act of love? Or is it our way of preventing ourselves being hurt badly? Sometimes it is confusing why people give in or let go of the people they care for. There’s a thin line between true love and self gratification.

With my recent experience, it came to me that emotions should not dictate our actions to people we love. Having truly love someone entails sacrifice, that no matter how awful things go, or how well it will be… whether you decided to stay or not, you know that whatever decision you made, not looking at your advantage, you would always seek what is best for the person you love. If you have done that, then I guess you can say that you indeed have really loved.



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